To all those provincial Progressive Conservative lovers out there who have been waiting for me to apologize for my many and pointed attacks on Premier Ed Stelmach: Here it is.
Over the last week, I have learned a startling truth. Premier Stelmach is not an inarticulate nut job intent on bankrupting Canada’s richest province. Nor is he a bumbling halfwit who Mr. Beaned his way into Alberta’s top job. The truth is Mr. Stelmach is an absolute genius. He’s just, you know, misunderstood.
That’s right. The reason I - and 80 per cent of other Albertans – had a poor opinion of our premier is because he is 14,623 per cent smarter than me.
He is living in another plain of existence. He is performing advanced calculus, while I am fumbling with an abacus. He is reciting Italian poetry, while I am struggling to find new words to rhyme with ‘Nantucket.’
The reason I know this is that I stumbled across a very special book entitled The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Ed Stelmach. The guide provides a handy cross-reference between what average Albertans (referred to as the unwashed masses) think and what His Holiness the Honourable Lord of Oil Country thoughtfully surmises.
Here is an excerpt regarding last week’s 2011-12 budget:
• Unwashed masses: “The recession ended almost two years ago and this is Alberta’s fourth consecutive deficit budget. The PC party plans to make it five-in-a-row. This year, the government wants to run-up another $3.4 billion deficit, not including $2.4 billion hidden off the books. It all adds up to one thing: Alberta now has a structural deficit.”
• Stelmach: “As the province emerges from the worst global recession since the 1930s, it does so in good fiscal shape and with core services like health care and education intact.”
See, isn’t Stelmach’s way of saying it nicer? If you like that one, check this out:
• Unwashed masses: “When you have a structural deficit, it’s time to cut spending. But, of the government’s 24 ministries, only seven received cuts to their program spending in this year’s budget. Hey, Stelmach, do something before we go broke, damn it!”
• Stelmach “We had a plan that got us through the recession and we will stick to it as government revenue now begins to recover. We’ll continue to carefully manage our spending with a focus on preserving and enhancing our most important programs while building for the future.”
Take that, you Wildrose-Alliance doomsayers. Through reading The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Ed Stelmach, I have learned that so-called facts no longer matter. All that matters is perception. If we all work really hard at believing the world is a better place, it will be. For example, imagine if:
• Environmentalists stopped protesting the ‘tar sands’ and start picketing ‘Mother Nature’s dirty-coal substitute.’
• Police stopped ‘chasing down criminals’ and started ‘enhancing the fitness of the legally-challenged.’
• America stopped propping up regimes who use ‘state-sponsored torture’ and instead relied on those who provide ‘patriotic truth seeking.’
• The Chinese stopped ‘poisoning our children with lead paint’ and started ‘stimulating North America’s medical-services sector with youthful enthusiasm.’
• Iran stopped ‘building nuclear weapons in secret government facilities’ and started ‘making explosive advances in national science clubhouses.’
• Serial killers stopped ‘stalking their unsuspecting prey’ and started ‘observing society in order to make new friends.’
• Rock stars stopped ‘trashing hotel rooms while on alcohol and drug-fuelled binges’ and started ‘providing interior design suggestions free of charge to the hospitality industry with the help of consciousness elevation.’
So, in conclusion, I offer my full and complete apology to the premier. Now I finally understand that deficits aren’t the enemy.
The real enemy is reality.
