Five-year-old Eric is playing contentedly with his five-year-old friend Jason. Suddenly, loud shrieks erupt from the playroom.
Eric pushed Jason into the sofa because Jason couldn’t wait any longer for the nifty new toy that Eric was enjoying and grabbed it himself. Both boys are hitting each other.
Eric’s mom grabs him and drags him off to Time-out, all the while Eric is screaming and flailing. Up to his room he goes, where mom locks the door and starts “counting.”
Fifteen minutes later, Eric is throwing his lego projects, shoes and stuffed animals at the door in a fit of rage. Mom is not calming down either.
Perhaps it’s time to re-think the way a time-out is used. Some parents use a time-out for punishment and it often erupts into a power struggle.
Other parents use time-out for a “calm-down” period, designed so that the child will regain emotional control. In both cases, the child is usually forced into an isolating time away from parents and usually in a boring place.
Originally, a time-out consisted of removing the child from a positive situation.
However, often the child is acting up because of the negative emotions he’s feeling. Removal from a negative situation is what a child often needs, but he also needs help to settle and be taught what to do instead.
So ideally, a time-out should not be a punishment, but instead, a calm-down strategy for an upset child. Many parents call this a time-in.
The most important part of time-in is staying cool and calm as a parent. Your child needs you to be in control because he is not!
Wear earplugs to protect your hearing from his screaming and wailing.
Next, get him and you in a safe, private (essential if you are in public) calming area. A living room, car or washroom is an ideal place.
Sit with your child, or place him in your lap (if he lets you) and gently rub his back in calming strokes. Rock him or initiate some kind of movement. Rocking has been known to help calm people.
Same with soothing touches. Stay with your child in his moment of emotional turmoil.
Most children experience the isolation that time-out provides as abandonment when they need their parents the most.
Deep breathe with long slow breaths exhaled. Show your child how to do it. For some children, if they are not too upset, distraction helps. Remember your goal is to calm down, not punish.
Most children will calm down in this manner. Now the teaching begins.
When your child’s brain is not flooded with emotions, he can accept the logic as his ability to reason and think returns.
Label and validate his strong feelings with words, so he can learn how to express himself verbally. Talk about ways to handle the situation better next time. Make a plan.
Eric’s mom taught him ways to ask for the toy back and assert his needs for more time with the toy. With enough practice and repetition, Eric will learn important social skills and even more so, how to calm down and handle his anger.
Not by time-out, but by time-in with a caring, loving adult.
Judy Arnall is a professional, international, award-winning parenting speaker.
