I need to speak with you about a very serious topic: the Inter Web.
Now, I know a lot of you regular folks out there have never heard of this amazing new technology, so I promise to go slow.
You see, a long time ago in the forgotten era of the 20th Century, some communications geniuses were playing Pong.
This cutting edge computer program allowed the neanderthals of the day to come inside from the harsh, non-globally-warmed ice age, and engage in a tennis-style contest in their parents’ basements.
Then, one day, a herbally-enhanced “computer engineer” had an idea that changed the world: “Dude, wouldn’t it be cool if we could connect two Ataris together, and be in different rooms, and play the same game, and I could be in the kitchen and eat chips, and you could be in the basement and then we could switch?”
With that single run-on sentence, the world was changed forever.
Now, of course, there are dorks playing Pong against each other from their parents’ basements all across the world, and Frito-Lay has merged with Pepsi to form a multinational corporation.
“So,” you ask yourself, “what do these degenerate, overweight, pimple-faced weiners have to do with me?”
The answer is, “Probably not too much, unless you’re a degenerate, overweight, pimple-faced weiner looking for a date. In that case, your peers are probably busy playing Pong.”
However, the technology they created will, someday, change the world we live in forever.
Imagine, if you will, a world where you will be able to receive junk mail, directly to your own home, at any time of the day or night. A world where you no longer have to talk to the greasy haired dirt-bag in a van in a dark alley to get the latest bootleg copies of Megadeth albums. Or a world where you can talk to anyone in the world (except the undeveloped world) about anything (except freedom with people in China) at any time (except after work when the connection is so slow you want to shoot yourself).
That, my friends, is just a taste of what the Inter Web will be able to do for you.
The reason I bring this up is that we at Rocky View Publishing have launched our new Inter Web “Sites.”
An Inter Web Site is kind of like a poster made for TV. You can move this little arrow-looking deally around and “Click” on things. When you do, either a new poster will appear, or an error message will flash across the screen.
I know, I know, it sounds a little goofy, but rest assured, a very smart man named Steve Jobs says, “this changes everything!”
For instance, at our new Inter Web Sites you will be able to read all of our newspaper stories. You can already read all of our newspaper stories in our newspapers, but this new way allows our writers to feel extra self-important.
In addition, you will also be able to check out a bunch of stuff deemed not-good enough to actually go in our newspapers. This feature is very important to our photographers, who tend to shoot photos like Japanese tourists but only get to put one in the newspaper.
Our websites also feature a “Poll.” This is a lot like when that guy from India calls you to ask a series of random questions and you don’t hang up fast enough. It allows you to register your opinion about a random topic, in an unscientific fashion, just to let the world know how you feel about matters of little importance.
For some people, this Poll probably isn’t enough. That’s why we allow people to post “Comments.” Are you certain the Conservative government is covering up the fact that Elvis is alive and living in Stephen Harper’s basement? The Inter Web is definitely the place for you!
Last, but not least, we need to talk about “Pop Up Ads.” These are a lot like newspaper advertisements, but they sneak up on you and wreck the entire Inter Web experience. We, at Rocky View Publishing, hate Pop Up Ads. We despise them more than taxes, public speaking and Justin Bieber combined. That’s why we do not have Pop Up Ads on our Inter Web Sites. That, and we have no idea how to make them work.
Of course, there are many other features available on our Sites. To see them for yourself, go to www.airdriecityview.com or www.rockyviewweekly.com