I’ve never really thought of myself as being very ‘girly.’ In fact, I tend to prefer shopping in the men’s section of most stores, looking for cozy grey clothes that don’t draw attention.
While doing exactly this at the mall a couple of weeks ago, I was approached by a woman who asked me a very specific question about a sale the store was having that day. As I had just entered the store myself and hadn’t yet spoken with a salesperson, I told her that I knew no more about the sale than she did, and that she’d have to speak with an employee.
“I’m sorry,” she said, reaching for her handbag. “I noticed you weren’t carrying a purse, and you’re in the men’s section, so I guess I just assumed you must work here.”
A few days later, I told a friend about the exchange, laughing about how often people seem shocked that I choose to keep my cards and cash in a small wallet in my back pocket – “like a man,” they tell me. He was unimpressed. Why, he asked, would anyone expect that a woman out shopping would want to carry a bunch of junk around with them at a busy mall?
It’s a valid question. I lost interest in carrying a purse years ago, when I realized that I was hauling around a pile of things I never used and that I’d rather have my shoulders free to carry a camera bag when I need to. I’ve never looked back, even though I have at times forced my iPhone into my sister’s handbag.
But gender identity is something I’ve thought about quite a bit, especially after a close family friend began using a different name and pronoun a couple of years ago. My choice to not carry a purse definitely doesn’t put me in the same category as my friend, but I think stereotypes and expectations on any gender can be incredibly harmful.
As a woman, I’m ‘expected’ to be sensitive and emotional and empathetic – but I’m not, at least not usually. And while men are supposed to be distant and disconnected from their emotions, I think I’ve met more men who can openly discuss their feelings than I have women.
And I think that’s okay.
Gender roles have changed so much over the past few decades; these things aren’t nearly as much of an issue as they have been in the past. With more women in the workforce and men choosing to focus on raising families, it’s hard to say what’s ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ anymore.
I’d rather play video games than watch romantic comedies, and I’d prefer reading a good science fiction or fantasy novel than ‘chick-lit.’ I have no problem dealing with a flat tire by the side of the road or changing my own oil every 3,000 miles. And I honestly think make-up is a lot more work than it’s worth, and rarely use it. But none of these things make me any less of a woman.
When I was a kid, Lego was one of my favorite toys – before there were specific Lego sets made for girls. I participated in car-building competitions with my dad and my sister, where we would put our completed designs through a series of trials to determine whose was fastest or strongest. But I also loved My Little Ponies, and had an extensive collection of brightly colored toy horses, which I enjoyed lining up on the floor and admiring.
I think I grew up OK, even without pink Legos. I choose not to let anyone else define what is masculine or feminine, for me. And the only time you’ll ever see me carrying a purse is if it’s holding a tiny Pomeranian named Mr. Amazing.
