“Hello, and welcome to the Progressive Conservative Tech Support Hotline. Our hours are from 10 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. from March 1 to May 31, every four years. If you would like to donate to the PC party, press 1 now. If you would like to take part in a phone survey, press 2 now. For after-hours service from a PC party genius, please press 416-999-1293678#JT now.”
416-999-1293678#JT.
“Hello, and welcome to PC Tech Support after-hours. Due to high call volumes, we are experiencing some delays. If you would consider donating to the PC party, your wait is estimated at… 10 minutes. All other callers can expect to wait… Until hell freezes over. If you would consider donation to the PC party, press 1 now.”
1.
“Your money is very important to us. Your money will be the next money we accept. While you wait, please enjoy some musical selections from… Nickelback. If you are willing to double your donation, you may listen to… Any other band on the planet. To donate more, press 1 now.”
1. 1. 1.
“Hello, and welcome to PC party Tech Support after-hours. In a moment, you will be connected to PC party genius… Stephen Carter. In the meantime, we will gratefully accept your donation. To donate $100, press 1 now. To donate $200, press 2 now. If you are on a municipal council and plan to donate $500 worth of taxpayers’ money, press 3 now.”
1.
“$100? Really. We are willing to send Chad Kroeger directly to your home, you know.”
2.
“That’s better. Your call will now be connected… Hi. My name is Stephen Carter, and I am the genius who brought you Premier Allison Redford. How can I help you?”
“Hi Stephen. That’s quite an automated system!”
“Thanks. As the guru who brought technological fundraising to Alberta, I take great pride in the automated system. But, I have to give credit where credit is due, it would be nothing without our good friends at Nickelback.”
“True dat. Anyway, I have a complaint. I ordered a Premier Alison Redford two months ago, but for some reason, I got a Premier Redford 2.0 in the mail. There must have been a mix up in shipping.”
“That’s no mix up. The Premier Redford 2.0 is our next generation product, superior in every way, and we are giving it to you free of charge!”
“That’s… great. But I actually ordered the original Premier Redford. I want the original.”
“I’m sorry, that model hasn’t been available since Oct. 2.”
“OK. Then I’m going to need a refund.”
“Are you sure? The Premier Redford 2.0 has significant upgrades, and is much better configured to work within the PC system.”
“Yeah, look. I don’t want to get into this too much, but I ordered the original because I wanted the original. I don’t want the 2.0. So give me the original, or give me a refund.”
“I would love to help you, but I don’t have the original model to give you. Besides, did you know the original came with fixed election dates? That’s sooooo 1995. You want the 2.0 version with fixed election seasons. That’s the future!”
“Look, genius, I like fixed election dates. My City council has fixed election dates and it works great. I don’t want fixed election seasons.”
“Really? Oh, you’re one of those…”
“And another thing. The original model came with a full judicial public inquiry regarding health care. What happened to that, huh? This new model offers an inquiry with the judge as an optional upgrade. What the hell is that? A judicial inquiry without a judge? That’s like selling a car with wheels as an upgrade!”
“Well, you see, I was the judicial inquiry designer, and as it turns out, the judge option is not really compatible with the PC system, so I had to make some changes with the Premier Redford 2.0 model. But it’s still essentially the same, only better!”
“How is it better?”
“Um… what?”
“How is a judicial inquiry without a judge better?”
“Look, you’ve got some good points, and as a gift to you, I am willing to give you a four-year Premier Redford 2.0 contract extension, free of charge.”
“Aren’t you listening? I don’t want the 2.0, I want the original! I want the health care inquiry to be in front of a judge. I want it to be public, and I want it done before the next election. I also don’t want the Bill 50 power line attachments, and I hate the Bill 36 Landuse Framework. And I really, really hate fixed election seasons. I want the same old fixed election dates used by every municipality in Alberta and the provinces of British Columbia, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Ontario, New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador and the Northwest Territories. So why don’t you go back to your manager, and tell her to send me the Premier Alison Redford – original version – I ordered in October?”
“Sir, if you’re going to be difficult, I am not going to work with you. I’m hanging up now. Please enjoy your Premier Redford 2.0. Good day.”
