In the last few weeks there have been several stories of apparent suicides of young people in the County. As a sufferer of chronic depression myself, I can’t help but think of some of my darkest times and how I fought through the all-consuming sadness and hopelessness of my depression.
My first instance of depression came when I was just 12 years old. My mother, who also struggles with mental illness, had tried to take her life one day while I was at school. I arrived home to find my mom no where to be seen. I had a sinking feeling but couldn’t place it until a neighbour came knocking on my door to inquire about the ambulance that had been at my home earlier that day.
My mother had intentionally overdosed on her medications but had called the ambulance herself after, she said, she realized I would be the one to find her.
My mom spent weeks in hospital and I started to slip into my own depression, blaming myself for her mental illness because I thought I had some how failed her.
My depression and anxiety came and went throughout my teenage years until one day in class when I was 17 I just couldn’t take it anymore and had a breakdown. I was pulled out of school for the remainder of the year and worked on getting well again.
My darkest times, however, came when I was in my early twenties. It had been building for a long time. I had been unhappy for months if not a full year. The straw that broke the camel’s back, however, came when my long term relationship ended suddenly and I was left dealing with a broken heart.
I stopped eating, only managing to survive off of soy lattes and the little bits of food my family made me eat in front of them. I lost a lot of weight in a very short amount of time. I was nearly unrecognizable with dark circles under my sunken eyes and protruding ribs and collar bone.
I didn’t sleep more than three hours a night because I would wake up crying and hurting everywhere. I would lie awake thinking of how my life wasn’t what I wanted it to be and I would panic as I began visualizing the bleak future I saw for myself.
I wanted help but no one said the right thing. I wanted to be around people to feel love but I couldn’t begin to believe I deserved it and instead isolated myself in my unrelenting sadness.
During this time I did have a plan and had even set a date for my suicide. I saw no other way out. But the thing that kept me going, that prevented me from ending it all and sparked me to seek help, was the fact that I knew I would hurt so many that I left behind by ending my life.
It would not only impact my family and friends but also those that found me and the first responders who would be called to the scene.
So I fought. I fought harder than I have ever had to in my entire life. I talked to my doctor who started me on antidepressants and referred me to a psychiatrist. I accessed the mental health clinic at my university and met twice weekly with a wonderful psychologist who I credit with saving my life.
It wasn’t easy and it took time for things to begin to get better but when it did, it was like I was reborn.
I came out of that darkness with a greater understanding and respect for myself. I learned new techniques to deal with my chemical imbalance and I learned how strong I really am.
I came out of that knowing the people I love and who love me are always going to have my back no matter what. I found the light and was better able to be the person I wanted to be.
I know the darkness is a lot. It’s too much really, but if you can just find the fight in you and ask for the help, I promise it can get better.
The Alberta Health Services Mental Health Help Line is toll free and confidential, call 1-877-303-2642.
