The year’s only Friday the 13th falls this week.
In light of this, I’d like to suggest that the NFL should look at bringing in Jason Voorhees to help negotiations to solve the current lockout.
He’s got superhuman strength, regenerative powers, near invulnerability, and, although his communication skills are somewhat lacking, I think he’d give the millionaire players and owners a swift realization of what they’re potentially letting get away.
The $9-billion industry’s lockout has reached 58 days. That’s longer than two of the last three Brett Favre retirements and Ryan Leaf’s entire career.
The owners don’t seem to care much, as most of them are billionaires and have exclusive rowdy yacht club parties to attend. But more and more of the league’s players are starting to get antsy.
New Orleans’ running back Reggie Bush said earlier this week he was happy about the lockout and how he is just spending more time on vacation rather than working out.
Naturally, I’m going to suggest this comment needs a follow-up segment about what some other high profile NFL stars would pursue if there are no games this fall.
Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back Rashard Mendenhall, who was dropped from a sponsor following his tweets about too much celebration following the death of Osama Bin Laden last week, has landed a job as the team’s new public relations officer.
Mendenhall’s first order of business is helping promote his teammates’ new careers, as Ben Roethlisberger is looking for work as a nightclub bouncer and Troy Polamalu has decided to become a full-time hair model.
Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones has turned into a landlord seeking a new tenant. His ad states “For rent: two-year-old luxurious 14-acre property located just 20 miles west of downtown Dallas. Features include retractable roof, nearly 110,000 seats and on-site Pizza Hut. Also comes equipped with a 160 foot by 72 foot high-def screen. This must-see is perfect for entertaining guests.”
Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco have moved to Hollywood and are in pre-production for a remake of Dumb and Dumber. Their former quarterback Carson Palmer, who publicly said that he has $80 million in the bank, has moved into investment banking.
Career backup Matt Leinart is considering taking his lack of talent to where it would be more appreciated – the CFL – while Favre has stated his desire to become the new spokesperson for Oscar Meyer. I think he’d be good in the role.
Michael Vick is rumoured to be heading to veterinary school (too easy) and, although John Madden hasn’t announced his plans yet, it’s sure to be something obvious.
Dear NFL, please come back soon so these things don’t have to happen.
