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Premier to Albertans: " I quit. I mean, I will quit. Someday. Maybe."

Here is the premier’s (other) resignation speech: My fellow Albertans, I’ve had it. I’m tired of this stupid job. I quit. I mean, I will quit. Someday. Maybe. I’m sick and tired of being a punching bag for political opportunists and media jerkwads.

Here is the premier’s (other) resignation speech:

My fellow Albertans, I’ve had it.

I’m tired of this stupid job. I quit. I mean, I will quit. Someday. Maybe.

I’m sick and tired of being a punching bag for political opportunists and media jerkwads. I’m sick of tooty-fruity greeners whining about the oilsands and the redneck oilpatch loyalists blaming me for it. I’m tired of those farmers crying about power lines. I’m sick of silly school board trustees telling me what their students need, as if I don’t already know.

Most of all, Albertans, I’m sick of you.

There is no doubt that this last year has been disappointing. For some reason, Albertans forgot how awesome I am. I was elected leader of the P.C. Party in the largest leadership election in our province’s history. I won a massive majority government. I tried my hardest to buy everything everybody wanted; I spent billions and billions of dollars!

As for healthcare, I just did what my predecessor did. Any time Ralph Klein got in trouble with healthcare, he just whipped up a study and everybody loved him! But when you look at the facts, I studied healthcare way more than Klein did. I studied the bejesus out of healthcare, and all I ever got was complaints!

Then, for some reason, you silly voters also started fixating on my unelected health czar, Stephen Duckett. First it was “Oh, Ed, he shouldn’t be making so much money,” then “Oh, Ed, he shouldn’t be getting such big bonuses,” then, “Oh, Ed, he likes cookies too much.” Why do you people bother me with this stuff?

As for the economy, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – it’s not my fault.

It’s Stephen Harper’s fault. It’s Barack Obama’s fault. It’s George W. Bush’s fault. It’s Ireland’s fault. It might even be Danielle Smith’s fault.

How was I supposed to be able to predict an economy with wild swings, a boom-and-bust cycle, if you will? I mean, I’ve only been a public official in Alberta for 25 years, and I don’t remember any hard times. How was I to know?

As I’ve said repeatedly, we don’t have a spending problem in Alberta, we have a revenue problem. My economists predict that we will start making $500 billion a year off of natural resources as soon as next Friday at 4:33 p.m. Then all of our problem will disappear!

Because I know this, I am going to hang around as long as possible. Yes, I am quitting, but first I have to run back to my office and get my stuff. I have a lot of spare suit coats in my closet and the Magic 8-Ball I used to make budgets.

While I’m there, I’ll just present our government’s next budget and maybe pass a couple laws. You know, basic housekeeping. I’ll just hang around until the end of the Legislative session.

Also, I have to polish the mace and help the caretaker sew new seat covers on the chairs (seriously, Danyluk, if you need a trip to the little boy’s room, just ask).

I also think it would be wise if I stuck around this summer, you know, to oversee the election to replace me. And, who knows, maybe the new guy will need some help his first couple of weeks getting to know the place…

What’s that, Mr. Morton? My time is up? Oh. Okay. So, in summation, I rule, you all suck and I quit. See you tomorrow.




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Airdrie Today Staff

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