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"The pen is mightier than the sword, and must belong to no one man"

I’m not a thief. I’m a revolutionary. That’s what I tell my co-workers when, at the end of every week, they invariably show up in my office demanding the return of their pens. Some of them think I’ve got a bad habit.

I’m not a thief. I’m a revolutionary.

That’s what I tell my co-workers when, at the end of every week, they invariably show up in my office demanding the return of their pens.

Some of them think I’ve got a bad habit. Some say I’ve got old-timers, or maybe it’s mad cow disease. Some just call me a no-good chicken-eating thief.

They’re all wrong.

The truth is, I believe in a brighter tomorrow; a world where all have access to pens, regardless of their station in life.

That’s right. I admit it. I’m a pen communist.

I know this will come as a shock to those of you who think of me as a gun totin’ redneck s.o.b. I’m sure someone in the PC government is adding my name to some sort of McCarthy-style blacklist as you read this. If my column doesn’t appear in this space next week, you may assume I’m seeking sanctuary in Cuba.

You see, I believe there are no property rights when it comes to pens. Pens do not belong to any one person. Like the buffalo roaming the plains centuries ago, pens were sent to all of us by the Great Spirit. And by the Great Spirit, I mean the office manager.

For decades, pens have been used by our evil corporate overlords to divide us. Have you seen the pens used by the stock boys? They’re those awful ball-point contraptions that won’t work on rough surfaces or if there’s even a smidge of moisture. Meanwhile, the managers have beautiful free-flowing masterpieces even though they use computers for everything.

The corporate overlords also use pens as rewards and as punishment.

True story – one year when I worked for the evilest of the evil empires (Quebecor) the company actually ordered reporters to buy their own pens and paper for the final three months of the year because some jackass in Toronto blew the budget buying Videotron. Of course, in the coming years Sun Media purchased many pens as gifts for the upper managers it was forced to lay off because the budget was blown by the purchase of Videotron.

I say – stop the madness!

Pens are not property. They must not be used to divide us, destroying lives by promoting the kind of intense no-holds-barred competition that leaves so many lives in tatters. Enough is enough.

Now, I feel it’s important to tell you that I don’t feel this way about other office supplies. For example, pencils are not pens. They have erasers, and thus cannot be trusted.

Nor am I a communist when it comes to other issues in society. Cars are property, as are houses and food. Rich people should get to eat caviar while sitting in their Bentleys overlooking the peasants from their hilltop manors.

Give me an F-150 and a Baconator any day.

But pens, my friends, pens are different. The pen is mightier than the sword, and thus must belong to no one man.

So, I say unto you, I am not a thief.

I am a revolutionary.

And some day, I hope to put my face on a T-shirt. I bet I could sell millions of those babies.


Airdrie Today Staff

About the Author: Airdrie Today Staff

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