For much of my adulthood, the holidays have been a difficult time of year for me. When I was a child, this time of year was filled with family food and tradition, but as I grew older and my mother's mental illness increasingly dictated our lives, Christmas became about just getting through it. In my late teens and young adult years, the holidays became a challenge – something to endure – and, more often than not, involved heavy drinking just to survive. I parted ways with my family in my early twenties – first my mother, then my brother and finally my father. I was “adopted” by a couple who had two grown girls with families of their own. They are all wonderful people who are still a valued part of my life, but Christmas with them was much different. They had their own traditions and their own stories, and though they didn’t exclude me, I always ended up feeling a bit of an outsider. This year, however, I’ve noticed a new feeling surrounding the season, due completely to the excitement of my two-year-old daughter. Though she won’t sit on Santa’s lap without becoming a puddle of tears, she’s thrilled by the idea of him, and I love singing songs, reading holiday books and making crafts with her in preparation of the big day. I find myself remembering those happy Christmases from my childhood – the decorating of the tree, singing of Christmas carols, the one night of the year when a fire crackled in the fireplace. I’ve scoured stores, searching for my favourite holiday movies, looked up lyrics to long-forgotten Christmas songs and gazed with my daughter in delight at the twinkling lights decorating homes. I look forward to her anticipation on Christmas Eve and it’s killing me to keep the gifts I know she will love a secret. I’m in awe of her wonder when she discovers new things about the season, and melt when she says, “Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.” I well up as she points something out that we just “have to get” for daddy. Christmas has become fun again. It’s become a new opportunity to build my own traditions and bring back those from the past I once cherished. As the calendar winds down to Dec. 25, I hope you, too, find the magic that makes the holidays so special. And, if not, I hope you find the self care you need to make the season bearable. Know that it is OK to struggle with the holidays and that there are others like you out there. From all of us at Rocky View Weekly, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
