This is an exciting time to cover provincial politics.
Really.
As soon as tomorrow, but more likely in two weeks time, Alberta will be under new leadership. Our rudderless ship will have a captain.
Our system will renew itself with all the glory that is democracy, when our new premier, whoever that may be, hires their first chief of staff.
The chief of staff, of course, is the ultimate leader of our province. The chief is simultaneously the most powerful and most hated position in modern politics. Chiefs weighs in on every important discussion, from cabinet appointments to budgets. They decide who meets with the premier, even screening calls from foreign heads of state. They play bad cop to the premier’s good cop. And he or she does all this despite the fact that 99.99 per cent of the public has no idea who they are.
Sure, the constitution makes no reference to them, but 40 years of PC government tradition does dictate certain powers the chief of staff may hold. For example, a premier’s chief of staff may:
• Kill up to three government staffers in any given year.
• Veto any legislation originating from the ministry of Tourism, Parks and Recreation.
• Insert knock-knock jokes into Hansard.
• Fire the premier without cause.
• Carry a baseball bat and give speeches regarding “enthusiasm for baseball” at cabinet meetings.
• Enact one-time-only legislation allowing the premier to win at blackjack with 22 (you can thank Ralph Klein for this one).
• ‘Disappear’ the president of the Alberta Teachers Association Jimmy Hoffa-style.
• Call off Christmas.
• Merge the ministry of Culture and Community Spirit with Treasury Board “just for funsies.”
• Invent words and force speechwriters to insert them in premier’s public remarks. For example: “The problem with budget deficits is they are hypolitically motivated.”
• Seize any family’s firstborn child under the controversial ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ legislation of 1978.
• Give daily wedgies to all members of the Seniors Advisory Council for Alberta.
• Wear white after Labour Day.
• Promote efficiency. For example: Why learn from the mistakes of the past to build a better tomorrow? It’s much more efficient to re-write the past.
• Invent needless bureaucracy on a whim to placate angry party members. Did you know nine out of 10 members of the Committee to Investigate the Threat of Flying Sharks are card-carrying PCs?
• Order pizza and charge it to 1984’s budget deficit.
• Rename any community under a population of 40,000.
• Change the names of Alberta’s official animals. The Big Horn Sheep is out. The Raj Sherman Is A Stinky Skunk is in.
• Use the Sergeant At Arms’ mace to crack walnuts when the Legislature is out of session.
• Reorganize electoral districts and mandate that each of them include 65 per cent PC supporters.
• Approve legislation listing “Liberals” as endangered species.
• Buy unlimited air time on Alberta television stations to extol the virtues of cheese.
• Borrow a giant truck from any Suncor oilsands mine and use it to “beat the traffic” during rush hour.
• Mandate that all provincial returning officers grow playoff beards during elections, even the women.
• Force Edmonton Oilers players to wear Jofa hockey helmets, any time, any place.
• Cut off power to any household that doesn’t include people named “Martha” or “Henry.”
• Cut off any question during Question Period with a Roman-Emperor style ‘thumbs-down.’
• Force backbench MLAs to serve as human chess pieces in weekly games against the Russian ambassador.
• Choose to pay the health superboard CEO in either money or cookies.
• Force any sub-cabinet appointees to wear Star Trek uniforms.
• Shoot first and ask questions never.
Needless to say, it’s quite apparent who is really running our province. It wasn’t Ed Stelmach, and it won’t be Gary Mar, Doug Griffiths, Doug Horner, Ted Morton, Alison Redford or old what’s his name. It will be somebody you’ve never heard of.
Like me.
Hmmm, I never really liked Okotoks. Maybe it should be renamed Nathanisawesome. That sounds much better.
