That’s it. I’ve had it with the Gregorian calendar.
I’m done with leap years.
I’m sick of freezing blizzards on New Year’s Day.
Seven is too many days between episodes of Hockey Night in Canada.
And don’t even get me started on the absurdity regarding the numbering of our years. Did you know there was no year 0? It went from 1 BC to 1 AD. I mean, come on! How does that make any sense whatsoever?
Is it any surprise that Pope Gregory XIII, whom the calendar was named for, was born in the city of Bologna?
I say it’s time for a new calendar – a made-in-Canada calendar. Here is what it may look like:
Under the Gregorian calendar, each year includes 365 days, except for leap years. Under the Canadian calendar, each “Hockey Season” will include three “Periods.”
The first period is the “Regular Season,” which includes 41 home games, 41 road games and a bunch of off days.
The second period is known as “Playoffs” and is a festive season celebrated in every region of the country except Toronto.
The third period, beginning on what used to be Canada Day is called “Free Agency,” and continues through Training Camp until New Season’s Day.
Under the Gregorian calendar, most provinces have nine statutory holidays, as well as two or three optional holidays. In the interest of avoiding France-style government union riots, these will all be kept in place under the Canadian Calendar (CC). Here’s a look at some changes:
• New Year’s Day is moved to Oct. 1 and renamed “New Season’s Day.”
• Family Day is now “Trade Deadline Day.”
• Victoria Day is changed to Wayne Gretzky’s birthday (Mario Lemieux’s birthday in Quebec).
• Labour Day is renamed “Salary Cap Day,” dedicated to the millionaire players and billionaire owners who contributed to the 2005 NHL lockout.
• Boxing Day is renamed “Two-Minute Instigator Day.”
• Canada Day is renamed Tim Horton’s Day, and is celebrated by drinking double-doubles while listening to Fifty Mission Cap by the Tragically Hip, much as it is now.
Instead of having a leap year, adding one day to the calendar every four years, one six-hour “Overtime” will be added to the calendar every year. Overtime will be held on any given day during the playoffs, without previous warning to the public. During overtime, all previously planned events and commerce will grind to a halt, and any CBC viewers who complain about missing The National will be deported.
In addition to a change in the calendar, Canada will also have a new central time-keeping device. Instead of an atomic clock, Canada will use the scoreboard at the Air Canada Centre. All government-related business will be conducted based on this clock. This includes the judicial system.
For example, suppose a criminal is convicted of “high sticking” his neighbour Marty McSorley-style, and is sentenced to 1,643 consecutive game misconducts. If he applies for early parole, his player’s union will have to contact the NHL and argue that his penalty was not called during stop-time.
Under the new calendar, each and every Canadian will be given one 30-second “time out” to be used at any time during their lives. Nothing said or done during a time out can be held against you. For example, imagine you are sitting down to an important job interview, and you notice that your prospective boss’s skin-coloured shirt is sticking out of the fly of his pants.
Before, you would be forced to choke back your snickers. But, under the new rules, you may simply call “Time Out” before pointing and announcing to the entire office “Hey, everybody, look at this guy’s tiny wee-wee!” He cannot hold this against you, and will be forced to give you the job.
Of course, if you continue to mock him after your time-out ends, you may be penalized for Unsportsmanlike Conduct.
