When I was a kid, I thought farming was the most boring occupation on the planet.
Ranching I liked. Playing with the furry little critters born every spring was fun, and being chased by the odd angry, over-protective cow certainly cannot be considered boring. But farming, on the other hand, is all about driving in circles. Sure, you’re driving a massive machine pulling other massive machines, the type of equipment that engineers could only dream of just 20 years ago, but you’re still driving in circles.
Or so I thought until last week.
As I was hauling old straw bails out to the dam to prevent rising run-off from washing out the embankment, the back wheels of my tractor spun out, skidding down a slope towards the water. Thankfully, the front wheel power assist kicked in (I’m loving those engineers now) and tragedy was averted. The whole calamity resolved itself in less than three seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. It was my own little farming X-Games moment.
Back on flat mud, I got to thinking, “you know, this farming stuff isn’t so boring after all.”
And, given my innate need to take everything to the Nth degree, I immediately began scheming up a new sport I like to call Adventure Farming.
Like the X-Games, my new sport will include numerous events, each more ridiculous and unsafe than the last. Here are a few ideas I’ve come up with so far:
• Hide & Go Thief: Sneak over to your neighbour’s farm while they are on holidays and rearrange all of their equipment. Park the cars in the barn. Move the old discers into the garage. Stack bails around their tractor. (Warning – make sure they are on holidays or you may be shot).
• Tractor Polo: Fourteen tractors, 14 front-end-loaders, two teams, two nets, one dream. To the victors goes the glory. To the losers goes the repair bill.
• Extreme Makeover – Old Barn Edition: How fast can you tear down an old barn – with just a hammer, pry bar and chainsaw? Not to be confused with Extreme Makeover – Call The Fire Department Edition, which involves tearing down an old barn with a jerry can, match and extreme lack of judgement.
• Auger Jousting: Think you’re good at driving the tractor in reverse? Let’s see how good you are when some else is trying to nail you with an auger!
• Slough-bogging: It’s a race through the slough with four-wheel drives. Remember, rubbing is racing, and if you get stuck, you get left behind.
• Electric Fence High Jump: Speaking from experience, I can tell you that the person who jumps the highest is usually the loser.
• Barnyard Boogie: It’s easy, just race across the corral. Also, you’re barefoot. And it’s spring. And the spectators get to throw cow pies at you. There is also a pole-vault version of this event.
I’m not sure how many people would sign up for Adventure Farming, but I can virtually guarantee a massive TV audience.
