Did you hear?
An election is right around the corner!
Yet another chance for 40-45 per cent of us to shrug our shoulders, mutter “meh,” and go on with our day.
But this election is important. Stephen Harper told me so. He visited me in a dream and told me the very future of our country depends on it. Maybe even the world. Maybe even Toronto.
It will provide a chance for the parties to settle something once and for all: Which federal political party do you want to run things like the Liberals, the Liberals or the Conservatives?
You see, it seems the Liberals can’t be trusted to run things like the Liberals. Remember, it was the Liberals who cut spending in the 1990s to balance the federal budget, and it was the Conservatives who ran up the largest deficit in Canadian history once elected. So, I ask you, who is better at being Liberal?
Oh, I know, there are other parties involved in the election. There is the NDP. And, in Quebec, the Bloc. And, in hippy colonies everywhere, the Greens. But seriously, aren’t they all just miniature Liberal parties?
Harper says so. He says if the Conservatives don’t get a majority government, the Liberals, Dippers, Separatists and Hippys will all team up and take over. They also plan on ‘totally kicking his butt’ by the Parliament Hill bike rack after Question Period.
Did you also know that Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff has spent most of his adult life in the United States? Did you know that while he was there, he said mean things about you? He said your kitchen smells like feet, your sister is easy and your ankles are fat. That’s right, Michael Ignatieff, he didn’t come back for you.
Did you know Michael Ignatieff wants to raise taxes? He wants to, you know, not cut taxes on corporations and instead blow the money on Liberal things. He wants to make a $1,000,000 per ton carbon tax and give all the money to drug-injection sites in your neighbourhood. He wants to start a Polar Bear registry and make Elizabeth May his ambassador to Fort McMurray. He also plans to turn 99 Dalmation puppies into ‘an awesome coat.’ His entire ‘hidden agenda’ is online at: www.ignatieffsucks.conservative.gc.ca
Here are some other things you don’t know about Michael Ignatieff:
• He shot John Lennon and JFK.
• He invented Disco, and later helped write music for the Spice Girls.
• Last week, he ‘friended’ Gadhafi and ‘de-friended’ the Pope on Facebook.
• As a secret CBC-executive, he cancelled The Friendly Giant and forced Mr. Dressup to fire Casey and Finnigan to fulfil Canadian-content regulations.
• He prefers American beef.
• He dresses up as Jar Jar Binks and attends Comic Con on the taxpayers’ dime.
• He steered the Titanic into the iceberg, then pushed an old lady into the water to get the last spot on one of the life rafts.
• He framed Roger Rabbit.
• He hung the Canadian flag upside down before that Blue Jays World Series game.
• His favourite NHL player is Sean Avery.
• He watches Lassie, but hates The Littlest Hobo.
• He tweets from the bathroom.
• His addition to last year’s Parliament Hill food drive was a six-year-old can of kidney beans.
• He parks in the handicap spot even though he doesn’t have a sticker.
• He moved the Winnipeg Jets and Quebec Nordiques to the United States.
• He doesn’t pick up after his great Dane when he takes it to the off-leash area.
• He doesn’t signal and cuts off traffic in his hybrid Saab.
• He wrote, starred in and produced Sex In The City 2.
• He always takes a penny and never leaves a penny.
To learn more about the real Michael Ignatieff, send $1,100 to the Conservative Party of Canada.
