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Canada's federal election campaign 2011: The future is here

I miss the good old days. Remember the good old days, when politicians kept their word? OK, maybe that never happened. But do you recall when we thought they intended to keep their word? Yeah, that was the best.

I miss the good old days.

Remember the good old days, when politicians kept their word? OK, maybe that never happened. But do you recall when we thought they intended to keep their word?

Yeah, that was the best.

Nowadays, our national politicians have no intention of keeping their word, and what’s worse, they know that we know they have no intention of keeping their word.

How else do you explain the government’s first promise of this year’s election campaign? Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced a $2.5 billion tax cut for families to take effect in 2015-16. That’s five budget-years away!

I used to think it was nuts when former Prime Minister Paul Martin started promising things three years away, and then re-announce the same promise every few months as if the promise had already be fulfilled.

But this is taking ‘Martinomics’ to another level. Just imagine what will happen when the Liberals, Greens, NDP and Bloc start copying Harper.

What a wild campaign it is going to be:

April 1: Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe pledges sovereignty referendums in 2015, 2030 and 2045. “Give me liberty, or give me a series of referendums at 15-year intervals!” he cries.

April 2: In a bid to lock down the yet-to-be-born vote, Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff pledges free post secondary education for all students in 2031.

April 3: Harper calls Ignatieff “a communist” and pledges free education to those who work in rural areas by 2032.

April 4: NDP leader Jack Layton offers to provide robot childcare workers to all Canadian families by 2033.

April 5: Ignatieff pledges to give robots the right to vote and form unions in 2034.

April 6: Harper pledges flying-cars for all in 2040.

April 7: NDP leader Jack Layton pledges a national flying-car government insurance program in 2041.

April 8: Green Party Leader Elizabeth May pledges flying-buses to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and take flying-cars out of the skies by 2042.

April 9: Layton pledges stronger labour legislation to protect the flying-bus drivers’ union in 2043.

April 10: Harper pledges to fulfil his 2005 campaign promise by establishing a patient wait-time guarantee by 2044.

April 11: Ignatieff scoffs at Harper’s plan, calling it “a gimmick,” and pledges a cure for super-cancer in 2045, a year before super-cancer is discovered in 2046.

April 12: Harper promises to purchase 14 Star Gates from the U.S. in 2047. Ignatieff says the $14 gazillion would be better spent on waffles for homeless ponies.

April 13: Layton pledges to ban military use of all Star Gates in 2048.

April 14: Elizabeth May pledges that 120 per cent of Canada’s energy will come from clean sources in 2049.

April 15: Duceppe points out that May’s “clean energy sources” include wind power, and by 2049 acid wind will make it the deadliest source of energy in history. He pledges to protect Quebecers from acid wind by making wind illegal in 2050.

April 16: Layton pledges to protect Canada from cheap goods imported from Saturn with strict tariffs in 2051.

April 17: Harper promises free trade with Saturn by 2052. Also, he says, Canada will join Saturn’s ‘coalition of the willing’ in bombing Neptune in 2063.

April 18: Ignatieff pledges not to join Saturn in its “imperialist war” and instead side with The Empire and its clone army of storm troopers in 2065.

April 19: Harper pledges to repeal the laser-rifle registry in 2066. “Laser rifles don’t kill people,” Harper says, “Robot terrorists from Glargon 7 kill people.”

April 20: To celebrate 4/20, May pledges free marijuana for the first 300 million Canadians who plant a tree in the tropical Northwest Territories in 2067. Harper calls her a “threat to public decency,” and pledges to throw her in a cyber prison super fortress in 2068.


Airdrie Today Staff

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